Monday, January 10, 2011

BEAUTIFUL


I always wondered when it would happen. Would there be warning signs? Would I see it coming? And when it came, would there be an exact moment or would it be gradual? How would I know the invasion had begun? Well, it has. I knew it instantly. The clock read 8:02 pm last night. This was the moment my daughter's notion of beauty revealed itself to have been hijacked seamlessly by them. You know who they are--the perfect alliance of the media, the peer group and the constant chatter by well-meaning grown-ups (this mommy included) who have themselves been taken as prisoners of the beauty war long ago. My daughter is four.

"I'm not beautiful," my unbelievably beautiful (okay, I'm her mother but still) said, seemingly, out of nowhere. "Of course you are beautiful," I responded instinctively and completely without thought or meaning. "No I'm not," she repeated. I paused. I call this the parent pause and I highly recommend it for those moments when a child says something that you know must be coming from somewhere and it's your job to find out where without blowing this instance of guidance your child is clearly seeking. No pressure.

I collected my thoughts and did my best to push my own beauty baggage out of the way (no easy feat). Then I asked her what beautiful meant. She stared back at me blankly. This is my girl who proudly carries a Buzz Lightyear lunchbox to school instead of the more popular princess variety, who dresses as Woody (specifically not Jesse) for all costume events and who never allows me to put a ribbon or barrette (sometimes not even a brush) in her hair. I wanted to be certain what beauty meant to this girl before I entangled her in my own definition. So, I tried again, "Who is beautiful to you?" Suddenly, the lights went on and she began to talk about a few girls in her class, mentioning what they wear and how they do their hair.

Here was my chance. I knew it would have to be a careful balancing act so that she left the conversation feeling okay with wanting to dress up and be girlie but also knowing that beauty comes from within. I started to sweat. Then, I asked her if she would like to maybe change some things about the way she dresses for school. Her face lit up like a marquee. I could tell she was feeling understood. Point, Mom.

We perused Old Navy on the net and I let her pick out four new items. She felt very proud of her choices. We went in her room and I showed her many options already existing in her wardrobe that had been forcefully pushed aside by the girl of yester, well, day. She let me brush her hair (yes Grandma, you read that right!) Next, she looked up at me with those--I have to say--beautiful eyes of hers and asked, "Do you think you can do a French braid?" "Of course," I promised rather naively. I realize now I should have also promised her a trip to the moon because after two hours spent on the internet practicing on Toy Story Barbie, I now realize French braiding is right up there with rocket science but I digress...

After the fun was had, I laid in bed with my sweet girl and tried my darnedest not to overwhelm her with my definitions of beauty. Even I realized she was probably a little young for a bedtime story by Naomi Wolf. All in good time. But I did explain to her that while compliments are nice, they don't make you feel beautiful. Only she can make herself feel beautiful. We talked about taking care of the outside beauty with healthy eating, exercise and clothes that make you feel happy. I assured her that it was okay that she cared about what she looked like and that it was, in fact, fun to be a girl. And THEN, of course, I went into great detail about inner beauty--probably giving too many examples, using way too many over-her-head metaphors and too much jargon. But she asked!

So night one of the beauty battle passed and we, as mother and daughter survived. Today, I dropped my girl off at school in her carefully planned out ensemble and then ran into the market to grab a coffee. On my way out, I scanned the magazines and all the headlines seemed to shout out at me..."Lose Weight," "How She Kept It Off," "Diets of the Stars," etc...

It's going be war!

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