November 28, 2008
Living in California, I have recently been immersed in conversations about equality and tolerance due to the recent "gay marriage" proposition. I have preached passionately to my friends about my indifference to people's differences. I don't care about people's private lives and so on and so on. But you know what? It's not true. I've realized lately that I do have a major prejudice towards a specific group of people. I know it's wrong. I know it's close-minded. But I have to just come out and admit the truth. I can't be friends with people who don't have kids. We might as well be living on different planets. We have nothing in common. And even if we did, it wouldn't matter because our schedules are completely off.
Have you ever tried making plans with a childless friend? Once they realize that meeting for drinks is out, it inevitably turns to the weekend. "I'd love to see your kids," they lie, "how 'bout brunch?" Brunch? The non-parent has absolutely no concept of the fact that brunch ceases to be a meal category when you are with child. Moms and Dads don't do brunch unless they are on a romantic getaway. Brunch is for lovers. Brunch is for Saturday night hook-ups that go well. Brunch is not for families. By 11 am, my kids are ready for lunchtime or naptime having had pancakes four hours earlier. So no, we can't do brunch.
Speaking of weekends...I recently noticed a not-yet-a-mom friend of mine facebooking about that fact that she was so tired from her lazy Sunday afternoon. Parents don't do lazy and they certainly don't do lazy Sundays. Sundays are about soccer games and birthday parties. Sundays are hard core prep for the school week to come. Grocery shopping. Lunch packing. School projecting. Sundays are full of activity and stress. Sundays are not about feeling sluggish from laying around the house. I vaguely remember such a feeling but am so far removed from those times, I simply cannot relate.
As if our calendar differences weren't bad enough, there's the problem with our phone schedules. Non-parents love to call for a catching-up chat on the way home from work. That would be about 6 pm--otherwise known as smack dab in the middle of the evening witching hours. I'm sorry but Amanda is unavailable to come to the phone at that time as I am losing my freakin' mind. I am feeding, bathing and cleaning. And once the nightly rituals are over and I finally get the children to sleep, I have a husband who could use a little attention, not to mention an exhaustion that I could never explain to someone without offspring. By the way, I have 35 minutes of uninterrupted talk time while I'm driving the kids to school at 7:15 but unless the friend is on the east coast, that timing doesn't seem to work out either. That leaves us with texting which is nice for a hello or quick info but not exactly the language of relationship building.
And that's just the logistical differences. We haven't even mentioned the fact that parents and non-parents have totally different lifestyles. People who are not parents are more selfish because they can be selfish. Those days I remember well and sometimes long for again. You can take a day off and truly feel like you are taking a day off when you don't have kids. I can definitely enjoy myself on a girls night out but I'm still feeling a little guilty about not tucking my little ones in. I am thinking that I probably shouldn't drink so much because I have a 6:02 morning meeting with my five-year old that simply cannot be rescheduled (trust me, I've tried). And I worry if we go somewhere too loud to hear my phone because I am responsible for two human beings and, therefore, want to always be reachable.
I know I'm being stereotypical like all good prejudice people are but it's my truth. I want to put more diversity into my peer group but I can't make it work. As a parent, I've been sticking to my own kind these days. And it's getting worse. Lately, I don't even like people with only one kid. What can I say? I'm an elitist.
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