Stop Celebrity Marriage (and Mockery)

January 25, 2010



Okay so I know ABC's The Bachelor is 14 seasons old and it's no surprise to anyone that it's often scripted, manipulated and (Trista and Ryan withstanding), always ends unhappily ever after. I hadn't watched in, like, six years but my friends were way amped for this season with recent castoff, Jake Pavelka, in the starring role. So, I turned it on ready to witness the usual fairytale fiction masquarading as reality. But let me say, this is a whole other bag of crazy. I mean...this show,this guy and these girls (and I do mean girls) are so much more pathetic and immature than I ever remembered. Not to mention perkier and way hotter.

In the first week, Jake is one hundred percent certain that his soulmate is in the fresh batch of babes cooked up for him by the casting agents who no doubt have Jake's best interest in mind. And every girl there is positive that she is the ONE for Jake. Without meeting him, each one can already tell that he would be the perfect husband and father. Bunjee jumping off a bridge in tandem, watching a private concert together and helicoptering over the Pacific Ocean only confirms their genuine feelings (Imagine that!). The girls want Jake to REALLY know them so they all seem to feel obliged to unload all of their relationship baggage complete with tears in the first five minute meet, greet and tongue-wrestle session. Oh, well, there was that one girl who wouldn't kiss but had no problem going in for the lip lock, asking Jake how bad he wanted it and then pulling away because being a tease is apparently a lot more dignified than a slut. But apparently not a winning strategy. She's already gone.

Lighten up! I know. I hear ya that I'm supposed to be watching the cute boy from Texas and his harem as escapism TV. My friends keep encouraging me to kick back and enjoy Jake's rock-hard abs and cheesey one-liners as the guilty pleasure they are meant to be. But I can't. In this particular time when there is so much discussion about marriage and so much judgement about upholding the sanctity of the institution, I find the mockery on this particular show unbelievably offensive. I think people should be a lot less worried about gay marriage between two committed people who have known each other for years and worry a lot more about the message sent by idiotic women vying for a diamond ring on a game show where marriage is the grand prize gained by flirting, canoodling and fawning.

I've always thought we should ban celebrity marriage for the careless way the paparazzi set enters and exits the altar. Kate Hudson seems to introduce her child to a new man on like the first date. Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom got married exactly one month after they met before KK even got to meet Odom's children from a previously failed relationship. Then there's Charlie Sheen, Tiger, Britney and the list goes on and on and on.

It's no wonder that these reality wanna-be celebs have such a warped view of what to look for in a potential marriage partner. They are looking up to the one group that single-handedly doesn't get what it takes to make a marriage successful. The Hollywood celebrity culture has somehow convinced the Bachelor beauties that being on a television show with one guy and a bunch of women auditioning for the role of wife is a legitimate way to find long-lasting love and commitment. As a woman, wife, mother and avid TV watcher (albeit just off the coveted 18-34 demo), I can't stand by quietly and watch the farce unfold.

But, alas, the show will go on. The giddy girls will keep applauding every time Jake enters the room (don't all wives do that?) Jake will continue his multiple make-out sessions because you gotta try on the merchandise before you buy it. The would-be couples will find themselves constantly in awe of the things they have in common like wanting a best friend as a spouse and hoping to procreate one day (talk about compatible!) And the ratings will climb higher than Jake's wings of love.

I, for one, will not be watching. If I want to see real love, I'll turn to Friday Night Lights and watch the scripted, fictitious couple, Coach Eric and Tami Taylor (Kyle Chandler, with guilty pleasure abs, and Connie Britton). They are more realistic than any couple I've ever seen portrayed on "reality TV" and they are fun and entertaining to watch.

And while I'll be out fighting for gay marriage, I just also might try to gain support for an initiative to ban the unholiest of marriages--celebrity unions.