ONE DIVIDED BY TWO

March 07, 2010




My first born is the typical first born. He's needy, used to getting a lot of attention and admittedly a bit catered to by the family. He's also not typical in that in addition to all the regular trappings of being the first child around for everyone to dote on, he also actually has some extra challenges that create a need for mom and dad's attention and focus. Early on, it was his delayed speech and eye contact which took us to the speech therapist. Then, there was the search for the perfect school which took us out of our public school system and into an amazing, yet pricey, private school. Now, educational therapy and vision therapy are regular weekly appointments with at-home homework. It's a long journey but I have become a pretty good traveler--that is until now.

My second born is no longer a small baby or toddler with only basic needs. She's a burgeoning person with her own wants and desires. I want to be there for her but some days, it feels like there are literally not enough hours in the day. We wake up at 6, are out of the house by 7:15 for our 40 minute drive to school. My daughter, bless her heart, schleps with us despite the fact that her pre-school (ten minutes from our house) doesn't start until 9 am. I pick up my little girl at 1 and usually squeeze in one quick activity for her like a trip to Starbucks for chocolate milk and then we are off to pick up her big brother at school. She naps in the car for an hour and wakes to find her alone time done and gone for the day. We are either off to therapy for her brother or back home for homework which is a long and often draining process in our home. Sometimes, my daughter will sit and do artwork while I help my son with his work. Sometimes she gets to go play with her cousins. And, sometimes, grandma takes her for the afternoon. Then, it's dinner, bath and therapy exercises for her brother. Of course, she gets some bedtime stories of her own but then I have to go practice reading with her brother. She waits for me, often falling asleep before I get back to snuggle. That's her day full of his needs. (And let's not even discuss the days I have my own work to add to this mix).

I feel completely torn. I love my son with every being in my body and never feel like I'm doing enough for him. I also adore my daughter and and feel like she never gets enough Mommy time, not to mention extra-curricular activities of her own. I wonder if someday she is going to sit in her own therapist's office, complaining that she was always on the short end of things in her family. It's not her fault that she's so damn competent and independent.

I realize I only have two children and am so very fortunate that my son's challenges are completely surmountable. I know there are families out there with three, four and five kids (not to mention the Jon and Kate's of the world) who deal with much more severe health and well-being issues and undoubtedly more chaos. But I think the feeling is similar for all moms. How can I be everything I want to be for each child?

My daughter is almost ready for Kindergarten and I want more than anything to send her to the same wonderful school her brother attends but realistically, it may not be financially possible. Everyone around me says, "He needs to be there. She'll do fine anywhere." This is true but not fair. I know, I know, life is not fair. But isn't my little girl too young to have to learn that lesson?